Oct 1, 2023

Today seemed like an okay day, or at least it initially did. I also watched Mask Girl until the 4th episode. By the evening, I got to play Stardew Valley with my friends again, surprisingly. While I was thinking of that, I suddenly got reminded of Jaze, Angela, my past IMC friends, and even the RC. People I thought I had strong bonds with, people who I thought would stay in my life forever. To this day, I miss them. I miss my friends. I miss having a person I could always confide in. I just cried and I cried because 2023 has been the worst year of my life yet, way worse than the year I dropped out of college. I lost so many friends and experienced no growth at all. I'm stuck in my same position, and I'm stuck with my friends who can just leave at the drop of a hat. I miss having my friends I can feel safe with. My friends whose shoulders I can lean on and tell things to, without the fear of them making fun of me afterward or spreading my secrets to everyone, unlike my friends and some of my current friends. In my sadness, I went to the place Jaze and I often went to—the streets along Venice Grand Plaza. I cried so much there, it was the most I've cried in such a long time. I still miss my friends. I still regret everything. They say that you pick your own battles and I chose the wrong one. If I could go back to 2021 and reset everything, I would. A time before my life came crashing down in 2022. To a time where people wanted to hang out with me simply because I was myself. I almost had everything back then, and I thought that if I pursued 1 more thing, I would be complete. I didn't know that, if I went on this struggle, I would lose everything and gain nothing. Aaaaah, it hurts, it hurts. I just kept crying and crying while I was outside. I had to make it back by 11:45, which I did, but my feelings still lingered. I'm unfortunately here, and I've lost everything near and dear to me 2 years ago. I honestly don't know if I'll ever find people whom I can confide with on that deep of a level again. I genuinely hate my life and I want another shot at redemption so badly.