Oct 8, 2023

I'm very anxious for what'll happen today. I'll be having dinner with dad and some of his relatives, including his current wife and sons. I'm not sure what to feel about it aside from a general awkwardness, honestly. But I woke up and got to keep up with my friends to start the morning, and I got to talk with my family members here, too.

Around before lunch, my friends messaged me to play Stardew Valley with them and I got to spend a lot of time in game with them. They were fun to talk to, it was the usual: just us telling each other things that's been going on with our lives. We also played The Forest and got back to killing the cannibals in the game, even though my save file was deleted. We both ended the game and play again after I was called to prepare to go out.

Then I went with my sister and mom to the mall we were supposed to meet at, then mom shortly left to do their own thing at a different mall far away. It was just my sister and I meeting the other side of our family. We got to meet dad and his eldest son. I got to socialize with him for a bit and ask him about things. He looked pretty mature for a 13-year-old kid. Then we meet the other members of dad's family that we've grown apart from.

Dinner was pretty nice, the buffet was great and it's been a while since I've been to one. Or, wait, never mind, I've just been to one 2 weeks ago. But their selection of food was really a lot, honestly. I think I've mastered the art of the buffet and ate quite a lot that seemed really expensive. This was going on while my sister was trying to hold conversations with the other members of my family and even dad's current wife. I'm surprised because they seemed more extroverted than I am. The usual catching up also happens: conversations about life, love life, that one time I cosplayed as Emilia from Re:Zero, the usual stuff.

For one time, I got to talk to my dad about moving to Australia.

My stance still remains the same, I'm not going. His current plan still sucks, he wants me to live with his current family under his roof. After going through some major, traumatic shit in college about the same thing (living under a stranger's roof), I was having none of that shit. He kept assuring me that he won't leave me there, that he's my dad and that he's no stranger. But he is, though. He's an estranged father trying to make amends at this late stage in our lives. Regardless, I'm not going to uproot my life for some stranger. I have no safety net there. What if the same shit from the past happens and I get traumatized? In a foreign country, with no people to run to? Fuck that. I denied his request and I think he got pissed off a little. We didn't really reach a deal and that was that.

My sister and I got to walk around after saying goodbyes and we talked about our experience. I'm lucky to have arrived home to mom and I was able to have my friends listen to me talk about how my day went, even though it seemed extremely weird. We got to play Stardew and talk as usual. It was nice, all things considered. This isn't the level of closeness my dad wants our family to be, but this is the most optimal, given the current situations. We could've been more hostile, but we're friendly and courteous at this level of distance. I think that's good enough.

I'm settled on my plans for the future: stay here in the Philippines and build a life here. I'm going to write my own story.

PS

This week has been strange and kinda horrible, but I'm glad I had my friends stable throughout most of it. I'm still sad about the friends I lost and the pain of losing them, and my current song for the day really reflects that. I'm happy, though, for the people still there.