Hit after Hit

Jesus Christ, was today depressingly hard to get through.

I couldn't sleep and I stayed up until 5 a.m. in the morning thinking of a lot of things. I was thinking of everything: how to proceed with that new person on Telegram, what to do when they respond, where am I going in life, should I dedicate myself further to this or not, and a lot more.

Ultimately, I made a decision, if they're going to treat me with respect and they're nice, accommodating, and see me as an equal, I would be welcoming to them and still be onboard. If not, I'll just decide to end this while it's early.

So I got to talk to them after I woke up. It made for a really tense morning. They showed their side and I understood where they were coming from. But I was met with really harsh responses. I tried asking them nicely but I'm met with a lot of attitude and disrespect. They said sorry, apologized, but I knew that this is not how I want my future partner to treat me. It would've been nice if they promised that they would do better, or made it up to me, instead of just saying sorry and saying that's how they are. I'm so sick of being disrespected by people who I want to see as my equal. It's like I'm constantly pushed down and spat and stepped on.

I was disappointed that things had to go to this chain of events, but I knew what had to be done: I had to cut this off. They quickly agreed and it was left at that.

Sometime later in the afternoon, I was heartbroken and I was just so, so fed up.

I am so sick and tired of me going into these "new experiences with the promise of something more" only for it to blow up in my face a few days or some time later. My wishes coming true but they're straight out of a monkey's paw: always coming with a horrible twist. Even though I come into things with the best of intentions, with high hopes, even with my best foot forward, I always lose. L after L and hit after hit. I am trying my best, screaming at the damn opportunity to make my life better and I get fucking spat on the face.

I literally just want to be happy. To go outside, have fun on dates, and experience new things together. I deserve to be happy in my own story. But I feel like I lost.

So I did what I do best: internalize my pain. Direct it on me. It's my fault. I don't deserve a happy life. These horrible experiences are what I deserve and the current me will always get these experiences until I do something about it.

In every moment, there is the possibility of a better future. But you people won't believe it, and because you won't believe it, you wouldn't do what is necessary to make it a reality. So you dwell on this terrible future, and you resign yourself to it.

For one reason: Because that future doesn't ask for anything from you, today.

That's it. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my circumstances and outcomes being the same. I'm going to improve my life no matter what. And get the happy life I deserve, no matter what. I'm going to do my best so that my future self can be happy.