Dec 8, 2024

I told one of my coworkers that I still wasn't feeling okay, and I eventually revealed to a coworker in our group chat my secret with "someone." Eventually, I told my coworkers about someone and I opened up to them. It was so painful and I had to fully explain them EVERYTHING that went on for those 2 years and 9 months. I released my tell-all of that whole situation. Some people had questions for me, like why did I do all of that for more than 2 years, or why did I allow myself to be treated that way, but I always gave out the same response: > "Kasi mahal ko siya." Because I love them. That was meant to be a joking response because I see it in Reddit all the time, like why people stay in abusive/toxic relationships and the OP always excuses behavior with that line. But for me, it also applied. I wouldn't do all that, go through that amount of hurt, sacrifice my health, and even put my work on the line if it wasn't for someone that I loved. After all that was said and done, I mostly calmed down and they eventually gave me some advice. They told me that I should just block them so that they couldn't message me anymore, even though they were the ones who left (and I doubt they would message me anyway). Two, I should move on and try to deal with my inner problems, like consult a therapist and get to know why I got attached in such a toxic relationship. And those are pretty much all I noted down. My coworkers also gave me platitudes that I've heard before, like knowing my own self-worth and all that, but I already understood those so it didn't have much weight on me. I sat back down and everyone else started talking in their own circles once again, and eventually, we all had to pack things up because it was already 5 a.m. in the morning. The feeling of getting it off my chest made me feel better and I can't believe I told everyone all that, without even being drunk. I went back to our room, lay on the bed, told a few coworkers some other things that I missed, and eventually slept afterward. In the morning, I mostly sneezed a lot which fully woke up a coworker. They eventually prepared some breakfast outside and I just browsed on my phone for a bit. Then the others prepared breakfast and I used the spare time to just swim in the pool and talk to myself for a bit about what I'm going to do. I contemplated blocking someone, but I honestly don't want names on my block list so I just decided against it. Eventually, it was time to eat breakfast so I dried up, changed my outfit, and then ate with others. Our breakfast was nice, we ate some of the Bicol Express leftover from last night and it was really good. It's too bad that it was mostly gone by the time I wanted more servings, so I just had sinigang. After that, time passed by quickly, we swam again in the pool, talked for a bit, and eventually left the resort. I rode back with another set of people than the ones I came to the resort with, and we headed back to Metro Manila. On the ride there, I mostly talked about someone and how badly they treated me, including how they asked money from me before leaving my life and that just made me angry while also shocking the others in the car with me. They didn't know the amount that someone took advantage of me was that egregious, and it sorta hurt recollecting those experiences again. I even managed to accidentally cut my thumb because I tried to snap my fingers together while making a point. But yeah, our trip back to Manila was fairly quick and I eventually got off at around PUP Taguig. I commuted on foot and via tricycle for a while, ordered those chili con cheese franks from Minute Burger, and got home. I was super tired when I got home, but it was still before 5 p.m. so I had some time to rest and passed the time doing random things. I talked to Naomi that our call later was still on and I asked her to move it to 9 so I could sleep earlier. In the time between, I mostly just did random stuff and napped a bit. When I woke up, it was nearly 9:40 p.m. and I felt shocked to have missed out 9 p.m. call. I messaged Naomi again but thankfully we were able to go on our Discord server pretty quickly. Since Naomi was the one picking the movie tonight, she chose Aftersun (2022) and they were the ones streaming. They had some technical difficulties, and I mostly admired them because they streamed on their phone. I found it cute but also kind of funny that they could only stream on their phone, which meant that some messages would pop in every now and then. It was definitely a unique streaming experience, to say the least. The movie was really interesting. It was odd at first but I eventually grew to be immersed in it since it took place at this resort. It was definitely a slow burn, which I don't mind, and it doesn't tell everything in the story. Most of the film's meaning is in the subtext which mostly flew over my head and I only understood after reading the plot explanations. But Naomi and I were still in the call after the movie finished and it seemed that she understood the movie more than I did, which was also funny. After that, we mostly talked about other things like her past relationships and she's handled moving on + still seeing the person really well. I think she handled it better than how I'm handling things right now. Then she showed me the journal entries she's written which was pretty cute since she used an app and her mood calendar looks up to date. She even showed me a journal entry with me in it, which was super cute. We also talked about her things planned for the next few weeks. I also offered to give her take-out next time we watch and she outright declined it, which absolutely shocked me. She said that she's fine with me just ordering take-out but she doesn't need it. Coming from someone who was eager to take advantage of these things (even asking for ribs because they wanted to feel better), it was a complete surprise to meet someone selfless. It absolutely came as a shock to me, but I admire that about them. They said that they were also a giver, too, so they knew the feeling. We talked for a bit more, mostly about music and I was able to request a song from them since they also were trying to learn the ukelele. And we talked about our future plan to hang out and go to a rage room. It quickly rolled over to midnight the following day but we ended things around there and I slept afterward.