Yikes

I finally caught up with my mood calendar entries today and it's been good. I think I'm all caught up with the tasks that I want to do. I stood up late, though, eventually sleeping at 4 a.m. or something and then waking up at 11.

I was mostly bored around noon but I saw an IG Reels video of a photo booth website that was deployed in Vercel. When I checked it, the deployment was paused and it didn't really work. I figured that this was an easy-ish project to do and I believed I could make it in Angular.

I spent the whole afternoon up until evening making it and I actually got very far, which was impressive. There are a lot of features left to implement, but I was able to make a proof of concept in less than 4 hours, complete with image capturing, a basic overlay system, and a photoreel.

I posted my progress on IG and I felt great about it, but I also felt stressed out which I'm trying to avoid. I used an old photo of me and my sister (which was in the same set of photos as my current pfp) as a test image. Then some girl messages me and asks me who that girl in the photo is. It was a super weird and strange question because we weren't dating and we aren't in a talking stage. I'm pretty sure that they asked because they thought my sister was my girlfriend. They eventually admitted that they asked because she thought that my sister was my secret girlfriend or whatever. This girl who I'm not dating/flirting with, and says she has moved on from me, felt the need to ask if I had a girlfriend. Eugh, here we go again.

And that's kind of disgusting, to be honest. It kind of ruined my mood.

It reminded me of how toxic the idea of “situationships” can be and I'm a little disgusted at myself because I think I found myself in another situationship again. Weird possessiveness without clarity! It's so weird that yet another girl would try to be cautious of the people I take photos with and ask questions when I'm happily single, and I'm not looking for romance (or, at least, not with anyone else). It's also kind of a slap to the face because I don't want to be asked “who's this girl” by some girl I'm not even in a relationship with.

That feeling of weird disgust compounded with my existing mental stress and I just shut down for the night. I stopped coding. I felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown. I have no friends to vent to, no one else to calm my mind with, I don't even have someone with me right now.

I just watched our old Sky game recordings and I wanted to cry because I miss having someone. I missed playing Sky with someone and just having that be the highlight of my day. I feel like I'm at a weird place in my life and I just feel so lonely. I also watched videos of me playing with the RC and I missed them as well. I miss having safe spaces and feeling secure in the people that I had instead of these weird new relationships that may or may not be laced with “romance.” Eugh. I blatantly called the girl out for asking me that weird question because she shouldn't care if I already had a gf or not. We're not dating. I'm not dating anyone, and I'm certainly not interested in liking people who get suspicious of my own sibling.

It's pretty obvious that they don't actually care about me or my life. If they did, they would've already known my history. They would've asked me about my siblings, who they were, and what my relationship is with them. But no, this is just another one those stupid and fake infatuations that's shallow as shit and it comes with side effects like jealousy or distrust. These people don't even know who I am, but God forbid I take a photo with another girl. What? Who do they think they are? I'm so sick and tired of getting these toxic infatuations, jeez.

I really miss having friends. Days like this make me really think if the path in life I chose was correct, or maybe I should've stayed with someone and gaslit myself to keep on going. I was able to keep on going for 2 years anyway. The latter is seriously tempting. How much stress do I have to fucking endure? Can't I just get a damn break? I'm so tired. For what it's worth, at least, I was able to be extremely productive, so today's not really that bad of a day as it sounds.