A Sad-Happy Day

Today was pretty boring. Time mostly passed by and I got to work. Thankfully, I was productive today so I'm glad my spirits were lifted a bit. I also watched the latest episode of Last Week Tonight, which was a fun watch. I also ate that spicy blue Yakisoba and I've missed it so much. It really hit the spot when I ate it.

For the evening, nothing much else went on. I was just lonely and by myself. I opened Google Photos and read some old messages someone sent me in August 2024. We were in the middle of an argument and she asked me if I hated her, and I replied with “Nah haha” and basically said that I went above and beyond because I liked them and I saw a future with them. It was just sad that she told me that her heart really just wasn't there. Looking back, I didn't hate them, and I still don't to this day. In fact, I miss them on nights like these.

I kept browsing Instagram and I saw a few comments like “I remember when my life was worth living” and it made me sadder. I kept scrolling and I checked Threads and I saw a thread about the pain of no contact and letting go. Crucially, they said this:

But if love was ever real, it would never require loss to prove it. So what is it you're actually grieving?

The hardest part of losing someone isn't their absence, it's the dismantling of the self you built around them.

It made me reflect on things and, yeah, that's totally right. Most of my mood calendar entries revolved around them. I built my routine of staying up late with them. My daily “culture” was playing games, calling on Discord, and watching stuff with them. I'm still the same person that craves that kind of connection, especially with someone. And having withdrawals about it at this time of night hurts. I even went back to our conversation on my phone and it said that they had notifications silenced, and I thought about finally breaking no contact and reaching out.

But the thread lastly said this:

You don't heal by erasing them, you heal by remembering yourself before them. Before you needed their validation to confirm what you should have known all along.

I had a relatively-happy life before them. 2021 was my highlight. I had my own sense of routine, my own sense of culture. I watched so many scary horror movies alone, I was happy, I was anxiety-free. I think I need to start redefining who I am now and actually start the building process. I still made the same wish I make everyday to God that I hope I find the path I'm supposed to go.