Feb 7, 2024

Today was horrible. I'm doubting if rejecting that offer was a mistake. I think it was, honestly. I just continued to have a miserable day. During lunchtime, my friends and I just watched horror videos and talked. The whole time, those were the thoughts running at the back of my head: I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I'm destined to be somewhere else, to be with someone else, have better prospects. In the evening, I wasn't in a call with my friends and I was looking at my messages in Instagram. I saw the profile picture of one of my old crushes and she looks so happy with her boyfriend. The guy looks so happy, too. That was the final straw for me, I literally cried after seeing that. That guy is so lucky. I had a "that should be me" moment towards that guy. The girl was the nicest girl I've ever met, she imparted so many lessons for me. I know she would've been the perfect girlfriend. And I just kept bawling my eyes out. I had never had an "ugly cry" in a while and I feel like I've been bottling up my emotions. I was praying and wondering when it'll be my time to be happy like that. When I'll be that lucky and grateful for the person I'm with. Then I remember what the girl said to me before: > We are each other's safe spaces. Just when I thought I couldn't cry anymore, I cried even harder. It sucks because I don't have any safe spaces anymore. I don't feel safe fully confiding on a single person. Whoever that guy is must have been a saint in a past life, or must have cured cancer in an alternate timeline. I'm so jealous. I feel so miserable. This day would've been just awful if it weren't for a few saving graces in the evening. My friends asked me how I was doing and they listened to how I was feeling for a bit, before they went and changed the topic about something else. And apparently I had someone confess to me that they're interested in me. Which seemed extremely suspicious after I just gave them something. Personally, I think it was bullshit, but I'm playing along because I'd rather have someone lie and tell me that they're interested in me than not having one at all. I hate my life situation. No matter how hard I run, how much I strive, I still think what I'm doing is not enough. How much more work do I need to devote, how many more projects, how much more effort. I really hope that someday I'll get out of this horrible midnight part of my life and see the sun rise on my head again.