The Lesson of Letting Go

Today was mostly a mixed bag of feelings. I was happy for some parts, overthinking for some, and largely sad for some parts of the evening. In the morning, I treated someone to Jollibee chicken nuggets while we were in VHH watching analog horror. She mostly slept and only woke up for food. We ate chicken nuggets together while watching some analog horror from Something Sinister, and it was pretty fun. I shortly disconnected after finishing my food as it was already 5:30 a.m. by then.

When I woke up, I felt like shit and I was so sleepy. I also had a lot of things to take care of and work on in the morning. I was only free around noon, and that had been the latest I've been free in the morning in recent memory. I cooked some tocino and egg for myself while watching a movie review of Past Lives. I especially tried to get this lesson in my head:

There are things in life that we just can't control and Past Lives represents coming to terms with those events that we hold no authority over. Nora and Hae Sung both hold different character themes that tie into the overarching message of the plot: letting go.

As much as something may hurt now, holding onto such things will only cloud your vision of what's ahead of you and prevent you from living happily in the future.

Even though the tocino I made was poorly-cooked, and the egg yolk was shattered (and cooked poorly, too), I tried to eat some of my lunch while watching a video on YouTube. Since it was noon, I tried to invite someone for VHH and she couldn't stay in VHH for the entire afternoon. I got a weird suspicion on my shoulder that she may just be entertaining some guy in the background, but that's why I'm trying to learn the lesson from Past Lives for: letting go. It's hard to keep these feelings for her, but I'm trying to let go of all of it soon. We got into VHH and we watched a few long analog horror videos, and she mostly slept until I had to wake her up for an interview at 1:45 p.m. She promptly left by then and I was on my own. After my break, I mostly organized my things, fixed some problems, and called some people for my scheduled meetings.

By the end of work, someone invited me to VHH again but I was having my meetings, and then I was eventually done and we got into VHH. I was talking to Meryll and I found out that she was sick, so I decided to buy her beef mami from Chowking as a gift. I also got cat food for someone's Persian cats. I'm way broke at this point, I just really want to fast forward to next week so I can get my salary. I also had to buy the game Content Warning because someone asked me to play it with them and Luan again.

Eventually, we got to play Content Warning with Luan and it's been a while since we've played games with him. Content Warning was pretty fun, although it resembled Lethal Company a lot and I missed it, as it was kind of a core memory during December. Someone suspiciously stopped in the middle of the game. I had suspected that her new situationship was trying to call her, and she left immediately to not message me again.

In the evening, I was mostly left alone looking at some IG Reels. One Reel really made me sad because it showed some guy who worked hard to get his fiance an engagement ring, and then his fiance surprised him with an engagement ring in return. It made me deeply reflect on my situation and it even made me cry, and I haven't in a long time. It was a really bad cry. I just thought of all the hard work I'm doing for someone and realized how useless it was, unlike this man's relationship. I also wondered where that person for me could be. I'm beyond tired of situationships that go nowhere, I'm tired of meeting people that just lead on, and I'm especially tired of online dating. I really just wanted to meet the person that'll work it out with me.

That's why I'll just give up someone. They won't work it out. Knowing them, it'll just be swept under the rug and left to fester. I just wished to find the person for me soon. The rest of my night was pretty uneventful, but someone chatted me and that they were awake this whole time. It was obvious by this point that they were entertaining someone else. But I don't care at this point. I hope they work out so I can eventually let them go. I don't really want to choose a person anymore who'll just entertain someone else. It didn't help that I saw a lot of Reels about letting go.

There were a lot of highs and lows today, but I didn't feel swayed towards one emotion or the other. I guess this was just a usual day in this chapter of my life. The main theme of today was for me to actually learn how to let go of things. I just hope I can learn it and handle the pain. And maybe, once I've let go, I can welcome a new chapter in my life. One that'll actually let me grow.