How happy is the blameless vestal's lot

Today wasn't Christmas-themed or anything, and today kind of made me feel the most sorrow out of all days recently, but today was just weirdly interesting.

The morning started with me doing a check on myself to see if I'm fit enough to go to the office. I woke up with a bit more sleep today and my stomach wasn't that bad, so I decided to get ready. While I was just lying in bed, I could hear my neighbors playing "Like I'm Gonna Lose You" and that kind of set the tone/mood for the day. I've been thinking about it for a while, but, in the morning, I eventually found out that I kind of did lose a person recently. I just found out when I checked IG and that kind of put a damp on things. I took it to mean that we're just back to being strangers or I'm out of their life, and then I got on with my morning and commuted to the office.

While on the way there, I suddenly thought of that poem from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004). I wanted to read that part so bad but I couldn't since I was on a motorcycle. It wasn't until after I safely arrived in the office where I read the t from Alexander Pope's poem that was read in the movie:

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

I looked up what it meant and what vestals were because I didn't know what they were. Apparently, they're just nuns. Forgetting the world and, in turn, being forgotten by the world. Spotless and unburdened by pain of regret, scars, memories. With no wishes to make to God, all their prayers are accepted.

I kept circling back to that idea because I've been having a lot of regrets lately. Struggle, strife, pain. I seriously hate all of it. Losing friends, relationships, even people that I wish to get along with. I'm kind of regretting putting myself out into the world and I have this feeling that I just want to be left alone and not bother anyone. For a good part of the day, part of me just wanted to be like them, a blameless vestal (despite being male). I just have my site that anyone can check, but I don't overtly advertise my site and send links to everybody. In due time, people will forget about my site, a place the world forgot.

These were my thoughts as my coworkers and I were out for lunch and we ate at Landmark. I just got lemon chicken from the store I ate at last month and we went to get Zus Coffee after. It was fun because they kept teasing me and I was able to laugh at it, despite feeling a bit sad and grieving inside.

We went back to the office and I continued my usual round of tasks. I was, weirdly enough, really productive today as well. I cleared up a big backlog recently and I'm just making sure stuff doesn't pile up on my plate next week. I was even productive enough to fix that Converge issue I've been dealing with since last week.

In the afternoon, I had finished all of my tasks early. I had free time and a coworker asked if I had free time and I did, so we played this board game called Radlands. I had to watch a loooooonnnnngggg YouTube tutorial for it and my coworker had to tell me the mechanics and give me a tutorial first, so it took a while before we actually got going. But we played our first game. That actually was their first game, which surprised me because they own the damn board game. But I'm surprised I got a good card that they didn't counter and I won! I'm surprisingly good at board games lol. But we played another round after that, which dragged on and I eventually lost. It's okay, I'm glad I had fun and I was able to take a break from all this thinking in my headspace.

For the evening, I just made sure I was clean on tickets and all the stuff I had to do. We went out for dinner which was just KFC nearby and we talked about a few stuff, mostly how one coworker often goes to Europe every year, which made my eyes light up because I've been dreaming of going to Europe. We finished our food and went back to the office so we could pack up and leave for the night. We were concerned because it was raining so heavily. I was concerned as well because I was fucked. I wasn't getting any motorcycle rides back home and the only method of transportation was by booking a private car, which costed me 600 Pesos. Yikes. I even asked my sister to help me book for one because I was getting nothing, but they were able to secure a ride and I was able to thankfully rest on the car ride home.

The car ride home took an hour or so. The driver kind of talked to me here and there, which kind of made me feel uncomfortable because I just wanted to be left alone and relax while listening to the radio. I also listened to a short video essay about the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. They talked about how Joel and Clementine were doomed in a cycle of meeting, breaking up, and forgetting each other. It just resonated with me because I've been in that cycle before.

It made me a bit sad when they did say that the way they were able to overcome it was by still choosing each other despite what comes in their way. Hearing that kind of pierced me through the heart because I've only seen people I loved leave me or not choose me. They usually push me away after some time. Not just in a romantic sense, but yeah, in that way as well. It also made me think of the people I chose to move away from, the people who chose me but I didn't like them back and didn't choose them. I just thought about how love is so difficult and the defining feature of couples that work is that they always choose each other in the end.

After a long ride, I finally got home and unloaded all my stuff.

I still had productive stuff to do in the evening, organizing, cleaning up, deleting files, whatnot. Cleaning up made me feel a lot better, too. I had my sister and Milktea come in for a bit and I got to play with Milktea, so that was nice. But at the end of the day, I just wanted nothing more than to read the full verse by Alexander Pope which the "eternal sunshine" verses came from: Eloisa to Abelard.

It was a long read, but I liked the story. It feels weird, but I share Eloisa's pain. A few of the lines stuck to me:

Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
Still on that breast enamour'd let me lie,
Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;
Give all thou canst—and let me dream the rest.

These lines are so funny. I've been in toxic, "poison"-ous love like that before. Where I had been suffering, but seeing that person and them talking to me relieved me of all my woes. Where they gave me all they could and I just dreamt of being with them.

Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!

I don't know why, but I just feel like I'm eventually forgotten by the people I've long loved. All those adored ideas of having fun with them, the plans I drew up of us having fun like baking a cake or going out for pares late at night like we used to, of "what could be" are just gone. I stuck to those lines because, even now, I still feel sad over the so many "what could have been"s in my life.

And I guess that ties into the underlying question of today. If people will eventually forget about me, should I just forget everything, too? As if things never happened? Like in the movie?

Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings
To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,
O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,
"Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"

Ultimately, I don't know, haha. I highlighted these last lines on my notes app because all of these stories about love, fighting, forgetting just makes me sad. I look back at my past and I just see the same cycle over and over again. I'm really sick of it. I really do hope I never may find love like that anymore.

Hopefully the type of love that finds me in the future won't put me through that vicious cycle again and again. I'm so broken from seeing the same type of love (friendly, romantic, otherwise) just repeat in a cycle.

I just want to be happy to find love that chooses me, one that doesn't love me in the same way my past ones have.